Holiday Surprise

I met my player at his corporate apartment in our hometown over the holidays... I was totally ready to show up in just my long white coat and cowboy boots till he told me he had a suprise for me... another girl.

If he hadn't tried to fuck my best friend, I might not have been totally turned off by this.

But he did and I was.

So after I told him I wasn't into the idea he told me he was just joking anyway.

And I showed up fully clothed.

His loss.

When he opened the door (after acknowledging my outfit) he pointed out that it is just like in L.A., only a different front door in a different city. Very exciting for us both, I see. I love the idea of meeting different lovers in different cities. Very hot.

After a while of getting reconnected, he informed me that he thought we should have a re-enactment. But this time I should go into the bedroom and take my real surprise out of the nightstand drawer and put it on under my coat... I loved it! The mystery, the direction!

The Victoria's Secret waiting for me in the drawer was a welcome surprise and very sexy... and I wore it with confidence... for about a minute!

I really enjoy our times together. It's just too bad they are so few and far between.

Really?

I think it is painfully ironic that the one man who I thought upon meeting was THE ONE turns out to be the guy who up until very recently thought every woman that he dated was THE ONE. Until he got sick of having his heart broken and I guess decided to stop being nieve and start being a playboy.

A mutual friend of ours was over last night and we were lamenting about how horrible dating in L.A. is. Well, at least I was lamenting... He being a male is quite satisfied with the plentitude of sex without commitment that abounds around here and is looking forward to welcoming his 40's with a self inflicted newly single lifestyle. He is a prime example of the men in L.A. He loves his girlfriend but never wanted to be married and can not stand the thought of turning 40 in such a marriage like relationship.

I have always wanted to ask him why my player is such a playboy but without drawing attention to our secret relationship. Aparently he hasn't seen the "new and improved" dating technique our friend has employed. He only knows the guy who his girlfriend had to field questions from ALL the TIME about dating and why women were such (fill in the blank)... I knew it! Something changed him into a cold hearted heart breaker and it wasn't that long ago. When he speaks about his old girlfriend who moved in with him I can hardly believe that he is the same guy, that he would ever let anyone in that close.

My loss... I get the version of the same guy who doesn't want to have a relationship right now, that just wants to focus on his career so he can retire in the next ten years a very wealthy man (I hope he makes it, cause at least he can buy love if it comes down to it. Otherwise he will be lonely and old with fewer choices when he is finally ready to open his heart.) I remind him it is the journey, not the destination that really matters and I for one want to share the journey with someone special.

This is clearly an example of being a day late and a dollar short for the fulfillment of my favorite and longest lasting fantasy. I know everything happens for a reason and I will one day understand all of this... but for now I will enjoy the emotional roller coaster it is since I am so interested in the journey anyway.

Humm...Karma?

Just as soon as I muttered the words "I am glad you are my fuck buddy," two days ago to my beau, I started to grow a conscience... I never would have crossed that line and dated my ex husbands friend if I had not thought it was true love. I feel like such a silly little girl, thinking it would be special. That part I have wrapped my head around, after all the less than kind ways He has proven that he just wants something simple. Sex without commitment, with lots of people. I have to say that normally I am a one woman, one man type of girl and that is what is so exciting about trying something new that makes me slightly uncomfortable.

But three months into it (and right on time may I add according to psychiatrists) the rose colored glasses may be coming off and revealing the harsh reality of what I have done. I can never go back and undo this final act of desecration of my marriage. I've dated the one man he asked me not to. Granted, I did it because no one owns any person and it has been five years since I was married. Plus I NEVER heard from my daughter that they were friends anymore, even when I asked if daddy ever has friends over. So I thought it was relatively safe to proceed with my new life. He didn't even mention my ex once till we were dating for about a month and then it was casually thrown into a conversation about why I wasn't aware ten years ago about the major benefits of spending minor money for a top shelf drink at a club to avoid a raging hangover... True on the night he first came over he mentioned that they were friends still in a text, but I didn't know if that meant aquaintences or BFF's. I hardly ever even speak to my ex, come to find out he texts and phones him regularly. They still have a relationship where he and I do not. Just like with my now ex best friend. She and I had the committed friendship where he and I did not have a commitment at all and I held her responsible for engaging in conversation (and whatever else) with him behind my back.

A pattern is emerging here. He looks less than perfect and it looks like I got my karma back for the whole best friend thing. Touche.

He wonders were I have gone (mentally) and I wonder how I ever got here (with the wool over my eyes).

Note to self: proceed with caution. Danger, danger. Self loving, back stabbing, adulterous close at hand...

Casual Sex

I'm reading Diary of a Sex Fiend. God, I love this lady. Abby Lee. Probably isn't even her real name, she's hiding her true identity. Well, at least those of her conquests. She thinks about sex as much as a man, I am sure, but experiences it as openly and unabashedly as only few of us do if we are lucky enough to find that right person who enjoys giving and receiving pleasure and trying ANYTHING with us. God bless that union. I hope everyone experiences it at least once in their life, if not as often as possible. This woman does (and so, currently, do I. Thank you Jesus).

I have to admit that I am very pleased to have such a wonderful fuck buddy and have accepted his role in my life as such a pleasure bringer. Pleasure mixed with pain is a wonderfully sinful aphrodisiac, and I am gleefully addicted to this cocktail. I love knowing that whatever I can dream up, he will try or arrange. Nothing is off limits. And when he touches me I melt, quite literally, in his hand. Everything about him turns me on. And it's not that he is even that good looking. I mean, I have always thought he was, but my friends do not agree and sometimes I catch a glimpse of him and think, what is it about him that drives me wild?

I have narrowed it down to five things.

1. Forbidden fruit never tasted so sweet (though least likely).

2. Love at first sight/soul mate recognition (even if it's not forever, he had me at hello.)

3. Fantasizing over him for years and imagining him to perfection in his absence. Now that I have him I enjoy every electrifying moment.

4. The shape of his member, satisfyingly gratifying...

5. His subtle scent, animalistic as it is (most likely).

All I know for sure is that I am thankful for this gift from the Gods that we get the chance to be together when I am in my sexual prime. We have history, he lives down the street (10 miles is relevant here in Los Angeles), he makes me cum and he gives me space. This could quite possibly be the perfect relationship for me at this time.

Dear Abby pointed out the obvious tonight. Never have casual sex with someone you want a relationship with. Well, I have always been unconventional and am such with current affair... It probably wouldn't be a good idea for us to come out to the world anyway since I found out he and my ex really are best friends and my ex wasn't just saying that so I wouldn't date him.

So we have fantastic sex when he is not out of town working freelance and I get to reflect on it all and explore new adventures while he is away. One crazy sex filled and sleep deprived week on, three quiet drama free weeks off... we have our own weird balance and it works for now.

Little Love

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. And in my case I almost always do... so I must ask carefully. Growing up I always wanted my mom and dad back together. It wasn't until I was 29 and on our first family vacation EVER that I realized exactly what kind of emotional torture I was spared by my parents separating when they did. Even though, I spent my whole young life wanting it to be different in my ignorance of the truth, and vowed not to ever subject my child to the sense of loss that I knew only too well. I would stay with my child's father, no matter what.

But when that choice came in my early twenties and I decided to marry the one man who had ever been nice to me in my short life, I realized how small my thinking had been and how long the rest of my life was going to be, unhappy as it was, loveless as it was. With my beautiful little daughter in my arms I cried so many, many nights and wondered what would be better? An unhappy mother in a loveless marriage, or a happy single mother who deals with all the stress life would undoubtly throw her, on her own, as always, even as alone as I felt in marriage.

Much like chewing off my leg to save my own life from the trap I was in, I left him in a foreign land with no relatives and no money. Anything had to be better than the way I felt with him. He said he would tell her that I left him when she was old enough and I told him I would tell her myself.

Now that she is eight and five years have passed since it was completely over, she cries regularly for us to be back to the way we were when she was a baby. To have a "normal" family.

It is like a knife through the heart every single time.

I cry, she cries and I tell her that there is no such thing as "normal". That I was unhappy and would not be the same mommy if I were with daddy.

My own childhood nightmare plays out over and over.

I tell her one day she will understand.

And it all sounds so callous.

For a moment I imagine how it could be again. But that imagination is exactly what got me married to someone who wasn't what I wanted in the first place. He was a version of a man I knew he COULD be. But the two are very different as I am learning even today in my present relationships. Expectation is the enemy. Reality is the fact and rarely do the two ever meet.

I tell her there are many kinds of families. Some have two daddies and no mommies. Some have a mommy, a grandma and a baby. All that really matters is that we love and respect each other and we see how we feel when we are together.

It is SO not fair for her.

I think about going back and giving up the struggles of single motherhood. But it is my dreams that I am not willing to surrender and the hope that keeps me strong when she and I are both weak and tired of being alone. I wonder if I will ever find a man that is worthy and wants to stand with me. But I always remember that I am happier than ever, in touch with my own needs more than ever... and in nine years she will be out of the nest and I will still be young. It sounds so selfish but if I do not save myself, who will? Do I want to go back for nine years plus the rest of my life? It sounded like a sentence then and it still does, life imprisonment. But to her the next nine years are an eternity.

I don't know what to tell her but the truth, as always. I try to sugar coat it and hope it goes down easy. There is little else I can do but hold her and show her what a strong woman who is self preserving looks like.

I hope she understands....

Musing...

It is WAY tooo quiet around here without my muse. As crazy as he makes me, I love it. The ups and downs are addicting. When I went in to get a mental check up with my therapist who has known me for years and throughout my entire Mr. Right gone Wrong obsession, I was suprised that she gave me the go ahead to date him in spite of our dramas. She reminded me of how long I had loved him and related it to a woman who carries a baby for nine months only to give birth to it and find out that it has a defect. It doesn't matter that everyone else thinks it is dysfunctional and she should get another one, she loves HER baby, flaws and all. Then she asked me if I knew which mouse in a game used to get them through a maze is better trained, the one who gets a treat every time it makes it to the end of the maze or the one who gets a treat randomly? The one who makes it to the end of the maze, I thought. Wrong. The one who gets a random treat.

So go ahead and date him, it may not be forever, but as long as I date other people too, I can savor my precious and slightly dysfunctional little suckling.

I have turned into SUCH a homebody... it's Saturday night and I am childless, yet here I sit happy as can be, self indulging in music, puppies, drama and words.

One of my best friends is in Vegas, the other studying for finals. One of my men in Switzerland and the other in New York.

Truth be told, the man I would love to spend all of my time with is the furthest away with no intent to bring us together. So I fill my time with the long awaited love of a different sort. It is a union that I waited for SO long to have, that it is still hard to get my mind around the fact that I have the shell of a relationship of which I wanted the heart of. I have learned the coarse and callous way that what we have is JUST sex. I was in love with a man who does not exist. The man I loved couldn't have me because he was my husbands best friend. In my mind he was a noble man of character, restraining himself for all those years even after our divorce was final. Until the day, the third unexpected run-in in one year, that he couldn't hold himself back anymore and we struck up an email courtship that lead to ecstasy at long last. And it was GOOD. The years of desire poured forth between us and the electricity that had always been palpable was united. And I thought it was going to be true love like I'd always imagined.

You can imagine my dissapointment when the next day he asked me what I was looking for. I thought it was a joke. I told him what everyone else is... someone to enjoy life with, duh! Dun, dun, duuuun.... Why? What are you looking for?... OH! If only I was good at reading between the lines (and not such a blurry eyed and nieve romantic) I would have heard him say that he really just wants to "see what happens between us" while he continues to sleep with copious amounts of (other) people. And if I was interested in asking any of my friends to join us, that would be even better. At which point he did that, on his own, with my soon to be ex-best friend.

Well, you know what they say. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

If I was ever going to explore the depths of my sexuality with anyone, who better than my ex-husbands sex addicted best friend whom I've obsessed over for years anyway. It's not like we are going to walk down the isle or anything. Gosh Wally, I was so nieve... Fuck... Hum, now there's a good idea. We'll fuck.

My man is 6,000 miles away and we are not committed. Here I have a man down the street whom I have fantasized about for years and wants to fuck me with no strings attached.

If I can get over the loss of either temporarily I can enjoy both of them all the time.

I just have to get out of my own way and get smart about casual sex. Mainly stop being so self indulgent and take the upper hand with this player who plays me and leaves me feeling disrespected and pissed. Who the hell is he? I am the one who has what he wants. I need to give the little rat a treat now and then so he keeps going through the maze and I have him just where I want him. Either in the palm of my hand or me in the palm of his, being rubbed just the way I like it.

Too little, too late.

Oh my god, I was beginning to feel like a little bit of a twit there for a second as I couldn't find a way in to post on my own damn blog! Their little sneaky random sign in is to blame... definately NOT the wine...

So my muse left town with out: 1. Properly shagging me till I came more than once, and 2. Taking a large quantity of my initial attraction to him with him.

He's so blind he can't even see the forest for the trees.... he had the nerve to ask if I missed him... the day after he left, two days after he "came" and went, so to speak....Of course I asked him what was to miss? The long romantic walks on the beach? The pillow talk? The exciting suprise dates???? And of course he replied... the couch, the bar stool, the back seat... Sooo romantic. I asked him, "Don't you have a car to go wash or some 'me time' to spend on someone you really cared about, like yourself?"....To that I got a "huh?" Couldn't play any dumber than that... Ignorance is NO excuse for bad behavior. Especially from a southern raised gentleman. He can play dumb all day long but he is playing with the girl next door and I know all the games.

The next time he reached out to me he had the nerve to ask, "Dinner and a porno when I get back?" WOW! He really knows how to woo a girl, even just a "fuck buddy" (as he so gracefully ordained me) should feel special on such a propositioned occasion.

Not at ALL what I was hoping for, BUT when the gods give you lemons, make lemonade.

I think I'll let him run loose for a while on his business travels back to his hometown and all the while keep sticking my big toe into to dating pool. The trouble is, the pool is overcrowded with guys who don't even know how to float, unless their big egos keeps their heads above water.