Musing...

It is WAY tooo quiet around here without my muse. As crazy as he makes me, I love it. The ups and downs are addicting. When I went in to get a mental check up with my therapist who has known me for years and throughout my entire Mr. Right gone Wrong obsession, I was suprised that she gave me the go ahead to date him in spite of our dramas. She reminded me of how long I had loved him and related it to a woman who carries a baby for nine months only to give birth to it and find out that it has a defect. It doesn't matter that everyone else thinks it is dysfunctional and she should get another one, she loves HER baby, flaws and all. Then she asked me if I knew which mouse in a game used to get them through a maze is better trained, the one who gets a treat every time it makes it to the end of the maze or the one who gets a treat randomly? The one who makes it to the end of the maze, I thought. Wrong. The one who gets a random treat.

So go ahead and date him, it may not be forever, but as long as I date other people too, I can savor my precious and slightly dysfunctional little suckling.

I have turned into SUCH a homebody... it's Saturday night and I am childless, yet here I sit happy as can be, self indulging in music, puppies, drama and words.

One of my best friends is in Vegas, the other studying for finals. One of my men in Switzerland and the other in New York.

Truth be told, the man I would love to spend all of my time with is the furthest away with no intent to bring us together. So I fill my time with the long awaited love of a different sort. It is a union that I waited for SO long to have, that it is still hard to get my mind around the fact that I have the shell of a relationship of which I wanted the heart of. I have learned the coarse and callous way that what we have is JUST sex. I was in love with a man who does not exist. The man I loved couldn't have me because he was my husbands best friend. In my mind he was a noble man of character, restraining himself for all those years even after our divorce was final. Until the day, the third unexpected run-in in one year, that he couldn't hold himself back anymore and we struck up an email courtship that lead to ecstasy at long last. And it was GOOD. The years of desire poured forth between us and the electricity that had always been palpable was united. And I thought it was going to be true love like I'd always imagined.

You can imagine my dissapointment when the next day he asked me what I was looking for. I thought it was a joke. I told him what everyone else is... someone to enjoy life with, duh! Dun, dun, duuuun.... Why? What are you looking for?... OH! If only I was good at reading between the lines (and not such a blurry eyed and nieve romantic) I would have heard him say that he really just wants to "see what happens between us" while he continues to sleep with copious amounts of (other) people. And if I was interested in asking any of my friends to join us, that would be even better. At which point he did that, on his own, with my soon to be ex-best friend.

Well, you know what they say. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

If I was ever going to explore the depths of my sexuality with anyone, who better than my ex-husbands sex addicted best friend whom I've obsessed over for years anyway. It's not like we are going to walk down the isle or anything. Gosh Wally, I was so nieve... Fuck... Hum, now there's a good idea. We'll fuck.

My man is 6,000 miles away and we are not committed. Here I have a man down the street whom I have fantasized about for years and wants to fuck me with no strings attached.

If I can get over the loss of either temporarily I can enjoy both of them all the time.

I just have to get out of my own way and get smart about casual sex. Mainly stop being so self indulgent and take the upper hand with this player who plays me and leaves me feeling disrespected and pissed. Who the hell is he? I am the one who has what he wants. I need to give the little rat a treat now and then so he keeps going through the maze and I have him just where I want him. Either in the palm of my hand or me in the palm of his, being rubbed just the way I like it.